Lots of bad sperm jokes

What follows are lots of bad sperm jokes - some with lousy humor, tasteless, disgusting, offensive to one or more groups. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Don't complain if you read further to your shagrin.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 1,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do Yankees fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 1,000,000 works.

Q: How do you know that God isn't a woman?
A: Because if God was a woman then sperm would taste like chocolate!

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A: How are we supposed to find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: Two sperm are walking down the street.  How do you know which one is
A: It's the one with egg on its face!

Q: How does a girl know if her boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: She has to chew before she swallows ...

One day two sperm were swimming vigorously and one sperm asks the other:
"How much further do we have until we reach the egg?"  The other sperm
replys: "I dunno, but I think we just passed the tonsils!!"

Q: When is a sperm happiest?
A: When it has egg on its face.

Q: Why are men like sperm cells?
A: Only one out of a million is useful.

Q: Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank?
A: Because he was caught drinking on the job.

Q: Why is a man's sperm white and his pee yellow?
A: So he can tell whether he is coming or going.

Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and a sperm?
A: One comes from Baghdad, the other comes from Dad's bag.

Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A: Sperm is handmade.

Q: What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say?
A: "I saw that one coming."


A high school biology teacher is explaining in class that semen is 90%
sugar.  Blonde girl pipes up: "Then why does it taste so salty?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has a higher sperm count.

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

Three women are in an elevator, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.  The
brunette looks at the wall and says "is that sperm?".  Then the redhead
touches it, and says "i think it is".  Then the blonde licks it and says
"no one from our floor".

And what about the pregnant blonde who asks her doctor if it's true, that
the babies come out where the sperm went in.  After the doctor says "yes",
she rubs her throat and fearfully asks the doc: "Isn't this too tight?".

To be fair to blondes:
Q: What are all blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can understand them.



Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because
female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but
allows them to live longer.

Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they
deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint."
Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm
is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm
to win the "marathon."

Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big



A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears
at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's
like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and
she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied,
"yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"



A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the
fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a
real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!".  "But it's full of sperm" the girl
replies nervously.  "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off
the cap and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too!" he
demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask
and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that difficult is it?" he says 



A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.  Man: "What
are you doing here today?"  Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood.
They're going to give me $5 for it."  Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm
here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." 

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways.  A couple months later, the same man and woman
meet again in the donation center. 

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" 
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."



A man walks into a sperm bank and declares "I'm of royal blood and have an
IQ of 165, and I would like to make a donation."  The nurse gives him a
sealed cup and directs him to a private room.  20 minutes later the man 
hasn't come out, so the nurse knocks on the door.  "Is there a problem?"

The man answers: "I'm so embarrassed.  I tried using my right hand, I 
tried using my left hand.  I poured cold water on it and hot water on it.
Could you help me?"  The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you
are kinda cute ..."  She then gets on her knees and begins to give him
a blow job.  Looking down, the man says: "I really appreciate this, but
I just needed help getting the cap off the jar."



Once there was a sperm named Arnold. When all the other sperm were just
swimming around, Arnold was doing sprints and lifting weights. All the other
sperms asked him one day - "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Arnold replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the
first one there". The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming
along when Arnold pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned
around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he
said, "back up boys its a BLOW JOB!"



The teacher of a high school biology class had his students analyzing
bacteria under the microscope. To show them the types of bacteria found
in the human mouth, he had them take scrapings from between their own
teeth and analyze these scrapings under the microscope.  One girl was
stumped in identifying the bacteria she scraped from between her teeth. 

The teacher took a look, stared disgustedly at the puzzled girl and said,
"Those are sperm cells."



A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.  A
young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're
saying there is as much glucose in semen as in sugar?"  "That's correct.",
responded the professor, going on to add statistical information.  Raising
her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".  After
a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's
face turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently
implied, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class
... and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the
professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the
tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."



A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots of tequila.  He downs them all
one after the other.

Bartender: Holy shit man, what happened to you?

Man: I'm celebrating my first blowjob.

Bartender: Well, if that's the case, have a drink on the house.

Man: Well, if 7 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt 8 will.



A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when Saint Peter asks
the first girl,  "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies,  "Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger."  St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."  St. Peter asks the next girl
the same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked one." St. Peter says,  "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl
is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front,
St. Peter says,  "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If
I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before
Jessica sticks her ass in it."



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday Sermon. To make his point, four worms were placed into four separate
jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was
put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of
sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the
conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - alive and
well. So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from
this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long
as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." 



A woman was pregnant again and trying to explain to her little girl how it
happened.  She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it
took and egg and a sperm.  How Daddy made the spem, and Mommy made the egg.
The little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby,
and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there.
Does Mommy swallow it?".

"She does if she wants a new car."



The subject of conversation on the local English speaking radio station's
morning show recently was sperm banks.  The jocks were taking calls from
listeners and one caller indicated that he worked at a sperm bank.
"Really?", said the deejay, "just what do you do there?"  "I'm the doorman"
was the reply, "when donors leave I hold the door and tell them - thanks
for coming!".



Apparently, London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster.
There were only two potential donors - one missed the tube and the other
came on the bus.



A new intern and doctor are walking past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating non-stop. The intern asks the doctor why was the man doing
such a thing out in the open?  The doctor replies, "Oh, he has a medical
condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to
masturbate constantly or he will explode.".  They walk past another room
where a man is lying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again
he asks the doctor, "What's up with that?". The doctor says, "Same condition,
better medical plan."



The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em



The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting
her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with
him to his room. There, he place his arm around her. "Did the young man do
this to you?" he asked. "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied. "Hmm,"
said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?"  "Yes, Father, and worse,"
the girl said. "Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt
and fingered her bush. "Yes, Father, and worse."

By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down
onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he
manage to do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.  When the
priest had finished with the girl, he asked,"He did this too, and worse?
My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"  "Well," the shy young
girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea."



A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.  He
took out a jar of white-colored liquid.  "This", he explained, "is semen.
To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth.  His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.  But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.  After the
last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.  "If any of you had 
been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the
jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."



A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced
by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says
he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it.
After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has
tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks
his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog
and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it
to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the
urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display
of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his
dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating
he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.



One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents' room to
check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the bed and
dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little
wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to
check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent
over the bed and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled,
'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny replied, 'It's not
so funny when its your mom, is it?!'



12.  That birthmark is actually freezer burn. 
11.  You prefer Depends to Huggies. 
10.  You had to be fitted for false baby teeth. 
9.   The load in your diaper smells like mothballs. 
8.   Your twin is tailgating you down the birth canal, trying to get you
         to move over to the right. 
7.   Your parents can stop your crying only by chasing those kids off the
6.   Nobody thinks you suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder;
         they just think you're a boy. 
5.   Every time you see a wad of Kleenex, you get homesick. 
4.   You like your diapers hiked way up into your armpits. 
3.   When asked how old you are, you hold up your fingers in Roman numerals. 
2.   You relate to Trekkies because you also had to wait 25 years for your
         first contact with female genitalia. 

and Number 1 Sign You Were Conceived From Old Sperm... 

1.   Your mom is Anna Nicole Smith. 



I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

        -  I do physical labor
        -  I work at great depths
        -  I plunge head first into everything I do
        -  I do not get weekends off or public holidays
        -  I work in a damp environment
        -  I don't get paid overtime
        -  I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
        -  I work in high temperatures
        -  My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

        -  You do not work 8 hours straight
        -  You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
        -  You do not always follow the orders of the management team
        -  You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other
        -  You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
               stimulated in order to start working
        -  You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
        -  You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
               wearing the correct protective clothing
        -  You'll retire well before reaching 65
        -  You're unable to work double shifts
        -  You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have
               completed the day's work.
        -  And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
               and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


The Management



A little Native American boy asked his father, the big chief and medicine
man of the tribe, "Father, why is it that we always have long names, while
the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"  His father
replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our
culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their
names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that
in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected
in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies,
because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over
the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and
easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, little Broken Condom
Made in China?